archGFX

Root has opened a nice dialogue about the feasibility of entering into relationships on the internet. Jennifer responded, Sulz had some thoughts, and now BrightFeather has responded as well. Looks like my response is long overdue.

One of the things I love about this blog is that it's been running for years, and there are traces of How I Met My Wife scattered through 2004's archives. The basic gist is this: we met in an IRC channel, although we didn't start talking until we started playing literati with some mutual friends. Online chatrooms have massive problems, most of which involve the very low barriers to entry. exclusive servers and private messaging are a major means of finding real people amid the sea of A/S/L idiots.

When we started talking, I was recently out of a relationship, and she was still in one. Neither of us were out to find a relationship¹, and we were hanging out (virtually) with people who were online for purposes other than dating. I've had plenty of friends swear off internet dating on the basis of match dot com dates gone bad.

This is somewhat like real life. Going to a singles night, or a bar to "pick up" or be picked up rarely leads to a solid relationship. The best relationships evolve out of common experiences, and good friendships. I really believe that friendship is a purer form of love than most "romantic" relationships.

Things I learned meeting the wifest online

1. Online dating is not cheaper or easier than offline dating. You'll spend just as much time finding the right community to hang out in as you would finding an evenly mixed group of friends. I spend the time online because I would anyway. It started with deviantart, and hasn't stopped since. I love the spirit of collaboration and the visual communication. I also love that there's a niche for everything.
   You will also spend money on phone bills, site memberships, gifts and postage for them, plane tickets or road trips, and possibly immigration.
2. LDR's are not new. One of the most poignant things I remember from Ken Burn's Civil War snorefest were the letters he read. There are all sorts of reasons for long distance seperation to happen mid relationship, or after a brief meeting. I can think of many people who've met via conferences, road trips, or concerts, who have formed long term relationships or friendships from them. This is to say nothing of traditions of arranged marriage, which, while wrought with bad situations, have produced many beautiful relationships when entered in good faith.
3. LDR's do not last. They can't. It's a fact of human nature. You can't survive on a few glimpses, short meetings, or correspondence. A relationship like that survives on hope. Hope of a permanent, intimate relationship in the real future. If the future is too far away, or not real enough, or unplanned, the relationship is going to end badly.
4. The only way internet relationships work, is if you're getting something for nothing. I got a to-good-to-be-true calling package from SBC. Many people rely on skype or gTalk calling to be free. If you are financially invested in pursuing a relationship, either by the time taken to fill out match.com(or equal)'s profile, or by paying for your means of communication (with the intent to find a mate), you will settle, you will come across as desperate, or the person you find will. Sure, there's a one-in-a-bazillion chance that you'll find someone perfect. If you do, it will be in spite of having paid an entrance fee.
5. Your odds are better online. The people you meet where you live, have that as their main thing in common with you. This crosses off some 2 Billion² potential people from your dating pool, for something that you might not even be very invested in. The people you meet online, will have something else in common. It will still be "where you met". You will meet people in the places that you spend time online. So you should consider what reasons for hanging out there you share in common with potential mates. If one of you moves to be with the other, you will still have your common love of (death metal, web design, puppies, whathaveyou) in common.
6. The first people you meet online should not be the ones you want to date. The community that you find someone in will be full of people who are there for the same reasons you are. Many of them will make good friends. Meet them first. Meet your crush with other people, before meeting them alone. The best indicator of how someone will treat you is how they treat their friends and family. Meeting someone you think you already know, for the first time, is scary, too. If you've both been honest, though, it's quite natural very quickly.
7. "We all invent ourselves": Cyberspace is a filter between people. Courtship, in any culture (American dating included), is also a filter. Like Mr. Stipe says, we decorate ourselves and our personalities to appear more attractive. In that sense, friendship is (usually) less muddled by trying to meet expectations. Honesty and gestures of good faith are key to any relationship, online or offline. Seeing through another persons defenses, and showing yourself to be trustworthy are important steps in forging a relationship.
8. You can't be in a relationship with someone you don't know. It's unwise to allow internet flirting to evolve into anything more without a clear idea of what the other person is like. Meeting in person is a great start, but sometimes it's not feasible. talking on the phone (or skype) is almost always feasible. webcams are great, too. Online chatting/emailing is a time-lapse response form of communication. It gives people great time to invent themselves, to shape their responses according to expectations. Video and voice are less forgiving. Don't tell your deep dark secrets to someone if you don't know if they're laughing at you.
9. You can know someone without meeting them. What I knew of Melanie before we met didn't change when I met her. It only took a few quiet moments to emerge. Had we been "dating", it might have taken months to find out the things I found out after a few long chatting sessions. When you're not participating in other courtship rituals, it's easier to be real. There are no movies, concerts, or drunken parties to take up the time that you're spending with someone.

So yes, this is slanted, I won't be surprised if someone with an alternate path to online love comes and tells me I'm wrong, dating sites do work, and cybersex is really the best way to know anyone (phone sex still feels silly to me, let alone cybersex). There are always exceptions. Most of my thinking about this comes from the perception that Melanie and I are the exception to what is otherwise a dangerous way to try to meet people.

1. we were actually both determined that we did not want one (back ↩)
2. half of world, less your local population and the old and very young (back ↩)